Over the past weeks, I've heard a lot of people talk about the now infamous North Carolina "bathroom bill." It's a new law in North Carolina that says a person must use the bathroom that matches the gender they were assigned at birth. This all comes after the relatively recent phenomena of high profile celebrities coming out as trans (i.e. Caitlyn Jenner) or trans people becoming celebrities (i.e. Laverne Cox). But these celebrities entering our national conscious does not make trans people feel "real" to the vast majority of people. You don't ever have to imagine existing in the same space as a Laverne or a Caitlyn. Most people can compartmentalize the existing of trans people into some foreign "other" category that they'll never have to actually deal with.
But now comes the "bathroom bill." And celebrities and businessess and politicians and even sports teams condemning the bill and even boycotting the state. And suddenly, people are being faced with the idea that *horror* a trans person might be sharing a bathroom with them.
And, of course, the right wing media hypes it up and tells horror stories of a creepy man putting on a skirt and wig just to enter a women's bathroom and assault some poor helpless woman.
So, first of all, lets get some things perfectly clear: there has never been a proven, documented case of someone using the cover of an anti-trans discrimination bill in order to sexually assault someone. There have been cases of mentally ill or criminally deranged men entering women's bathrooms and assaulting them, and the timing happened to coincide with a state legislature's debate over a new bathroom bill, so the legislators co-opted the tragedy as fodder for their own views. But those mentally ill or criminally deranged offenders? They'd never even heard of the political debate that they had unwittingly become a puppet in. There will also likely always be sexual predators who will assault people, and no law telling them what bathroom they are allowed to enter will suddenly stop them.
Imagine, for a moment, that sexual predator you are so worried about assaulting some token woman in your life. Imagine that he is following that woman, stalking her as she walks around a store, browsing for clothes, and keeps following her as she heads to another area of the store. He's excited and planning his own sick plan, when suddenly he realizes that the other area of the store your token woman is heading towards is a restroom with a little stick figured, skirted person on it. Do you really think, for even one iota of a second, that skirted stick figure will slow that predator down? The ONLY thing that will slow that predator down is if there are other people visible in the area. The state of trans protections or discrimination for use of public restrooms in that particular jurisdiction will not even factor into that predator's calculations, I can promise you.
But couching this debate in terms of "protecting" women from these "freaks" who "pretend" that they're women makes the whole thing nice and easy to scream about, to post memes about, and even to have some surface-level understanding of the arguments.
In practice, however, these "bathroom bills" are about something much more complicated and sinister.
Imagine for a second that you're a man waiting outside of the restrooms at your local movie theater, waiting for the woman you are there with to finish. You see three different people entering that bathroom. The first person has a short hair cut, loose flannel shirt, slim jeans, and Doc Marten boots. The second person has long, flowing blonde hair, is wearing a skin tight dress and high heels. The third person is wearing baggy jeans and a button down shirt, has short hair and no visible makeup or jewelry.
As you were scrutinizing the first person, you couldn't detect any hint of a chest, they had short, trimmed nails, but they moved passed you too fast for you to be able to tell if they had any hint of an adam's apple or a bulge in the crotch-area of their slim jeans. So you can't tell for sure if this person is a man or just a butch lesbian.
As you were scrutinizing the second person, you definitely saw a chest, but you can't tell if it's fake or not. You see a well done manicure, shaved legs, and a gorgeous figure. But you also think you might see the faintest hint of an adam's apple. Could this possibly be a trans woman?
As you were scrutinizing the third person, you can't see any shape whatsoever under their loose fitting clothing. Their hair styling is indistinct, and they'r wearing a pair of bland sneakers. Is this just a soccer mom with no time or care for personal style or is it a man sneaking into the women's restroom?
What do you do to protect your woman? There might be men and/or possibly trans people entering the same bathroom where she is trying to pee in peace.
And in those moments of scrutinizing every single inch of these three human beings who were also just trying to pee in peace, you became the potential predator. You scrutinized and policed these people's gender and made your own snap assessments of whether or not they were "woman" enough. And if you decided that one or more of these people did not meet up with your own assessment of who can or cannot be considered a "woman," what would you have done? Shouted at them to get out of the women's restroom because they don't belong there? Followed them into the women's restroom in order to physically drag them out? Contacted theatre security or police so that they can physically drag them out? Physically attacked them for threatening your woman by trying to enter this bathroom?
Since these bathroom bills have entered the national discourse, a short-haired lesbian has been attacked and physically removed from a women's restroom by some people who didn't think she looked female enough. A cis woman was arrested for using the "wrong" restroom when really she was just a soccer mom with not the greatest sense of style. And since the beginning of the year 11 trans women have been murdered because of their gender presentation.
There are real concerns at play here.
Sexual assault is rampant in this country. But it's not happening by people pretending to be trans so they can force their way into a certain bathroom.
The question of trans bathroom use becomes a little more tricky when you're dealing with high school and earlier educational settings. But that conversation needs to be nuanced and compassionate, not based in fear and myths.
Trans people and people who do not conform to strict norms of gender presentation (including lesbians, and, yes, even soccer moms) are targets under these bathroom bills. They are already targets. Trans people and masculine-presenting cis women already face discrimination, harassment, and even violence. The "protecting our women" line is a red herring and an excuse for state-justified discrimination against a group of people who aren't deemed "worthy" of the right to just pee in peace.
Showing posts with label rape culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rape culture. Show all posts
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Living Through The Violence
"What I’m trying to tell you is that violence against girls and women is in every move we make, whether it is big violence or small, explicit or hidden behind the word father. Priest. Lover. Teacher. Coach. Friend. I’m trying to explain how you can be a girl and a woman and travel through male violence like it’s part of what living a life means. Getting into or out of a car. A plane. Going through a door to your own home. A church. School. Pool. It can seem normal. It can seem like just the way things are."
I don't know how to write this.
I've been reading a lot of first person stories recently of women, powerful, warrior women, who have survived and thrived through horrible experiences of trauma and assault and brutal violence. So much violence. And I've read about how women live their entire lives perpetually facing explicit violence. Violence perpetrated by the hands, feet, mouths and bodies of other humans and violence in the form of the constant triggers the victims, the survivors, the warriors face every goddamn day of their lives.
Violence in the form of the invasion of women's bodies by States that perpetually refuse to recognize and acknowledge women's privacy, women's humanity, women's agency. I know so many people who have lived through so many of these things and more. I've devoted my life over and over again to fighting against this pervasive and explicit sexual violence.
Yet I've never personally felt that it was right to call myself a "victim," a "survivor," or a "warrior." I've never faced the type of violence that threatens and injures and maims my physical body.
So I don't know how to write about the type of violence that I've faced my entire life. I'm not sure how to claim my place in this worldwide narrative of women warriors when I don't have a quintessential "survivor" story. And I don't know how to write about any of this without in some way diminishing the many heart wrenching, brutally painful, and exquisitely beautiful narratives of these warriors. I refuse to do that, and if I hear even a single comment that I am, in fact, diminishing those narratives, or claiming a place in this narrative of violence against women that I cannot or should not claim, this post will come down. In a heartbeat. These survivors and warriors and victims have faced enough minimization and dismissal and excuses. I won't perpetuate that. So please, call me out if this whole thing is out of line.
So how do I explain facing a lifetime of violence that never once invaded my physical body?
I could try and write about how certain States subject me to the potential for violence if I ever chose to even consider an abortion or even go on certain forms of birth control. I could talk about how my rights to control my own body depend entirely upon my zip code and financial status. I could write about the constant, pervasive, and seemingly amorphous threat of sexual violence that every woman faces her entire life. Or I could talk about how, as a member of the female community, I am injured every time one of my warrior sisters is triggered in any way.
And all of these things are true to a certain extent.
I could talk about how much women's lives and narratives and art and abilities and talents are erased because they are placed in a little box. I could explain that those issues stereotypically labelled "women's issues" aren't special interests at all. They are human rights, not women's rights. And every time these rights are denied, an act of violence is committed against every woman. Against me, against you, against your mother, your sister, your professor, your friend, your lover.
I could ask how to move forward in a world where over fifty percent of the population are prized far more for their subjective levels of physical attractiveness than for what they have to offer to this world.
I could ask how a Christian can believe that all human beings are made in God's image and still view one class of people as somehow "better than," or in any way innately superior to another entire class of people. I could talk about how we're fed this language, these beliefs, that man is to be the "head" of women just as Christ is the head of the Church. Men are justified in requiring submission from the women in their lives by this religious cover, and that attitude spreads throughout so much of society. I could discuss how much I hate that so many amazing women throughout history and presently have had their stories, talents, and entire lives stolen from them under this same religious cover. I think about the amazingly talented and gifted women that I know who have devoted their entire lives to standing behind the men in their lives, feeling that it is their duty as women to be perpetually hidden, only existing to pray for and serve their husbands. How do we not see this as the injustice and the travesty that it is? I could dig into and explain why we should view this erasure of women as the genocide that it is.
I could talk about the violence I feel every time I'm harassed on the street or even on the internet. I could explain how I feel stripped bare and objectified and victimized every time a stranger rakes his eyes across my body and leers and tells me he wants me.
But how do I explain the intimate violence felt every time a professor, classmate, or even friend or family member fails to even grasp the existence (never mind the extent) of the oppression that I (and every other woman) face every day of my life? How do I talk about the feeling of having part of myself cut from me every time I hear myself or other women talked about as less than complete humans, but instead referred to as receptacles, incubators, or sexual objects? How do I talk about the violence I feel every time my agency is denied? I'm not even sure how to adequately explain the concept of agency...
I've lived with this feeling, with this knowledge, that, because I am woman, I am "less than" my entire life. I've talked about that before, but the violence that I feel, the pain that cuts me open on a daily basis is so much deeper than just the abstract concept of women as somehow lesser because of their sex. How do you explain wounds and scars and pain that no one ever sees? Because we've been taught that this is simply life. That we have to live with this violence, because "boys will be boys." Or, worse, we're told that it's our fault.
I've spend so much of my life basing my own value and worth on the external: on my body, and, more than that, on the ability of my body to be sexualized, objectified, and desired by the men around me. As much as I've learned about and studied and, yes, experienced sexual harassment on the street, there is always this dualistic reaction that I have and that I hear about from other women. When I am harassed, yes, I feel disgusted and ashamed and embarrassed and naked and so many other emotions. But I also have always felt a certain amount of vindication. Because I wasn't just harassed: I was also seen as worthy. More explicitly, my ability as a woman to sexually arouse men has been vindicated.
It has taken every one of my nearly 23 years on this earth to in any way convince myself that my worth is not based upon my ability to attract and arouse men. As much as I may have verbally claimed that truth all of my life, I still struggle against it to this very day. This is the violence that I face most often: the inward voice placed there by this world telling me that I am only worthy insofar as a man deems me sexually appealing. In the past, this belief ripped me open and exposed me and terrorized me in ways that I can't even admit out loud, never mind on this public blog. I feel shame and disgust and filth because of what this violence reduced me to. In so many ways, this world convinced me that I was the one inflicting this violence, because I was perpetuating and enabling it. And I will likely always feel compelled to seek that same type of violent vindication of my value and worth.
These wounds run so deep, but they are so very hidden and are only beginning to be exposed. So, again, I ask, how am I supposed to heal from a life of violence that can hardly be explained, never mind seen or heard? How am I supposed to do something so seemingly simple as sit in a class when the professor nonchalantly claims that women are no longer discriminated against because...Diane Feinstein, Nancy Pelosi, and Hillary Clinton...
I don't even know how to sit here and listen to this, never mind try and explain to him the violent oppression that women still face every single day. It's not always in the form of a fist or a gun. It can be triggered by something so seemingly simple as a text message or a song or look. And we have to live with and through this violence and oppression every goddamn minute of every goddamn day.
I could (and have and do) rant against the "patriarchy" or the ignorance or the blatant inaccuracies in this professor's claim. Or I could spend hours trying to calmly explain every tangible way that statements such as these obscure real economic and political disparities. But how do I explain to someone who has never felt it the violence that women face every day? Especially when the violence has become so fucking "normal" that half the time it's hard to even recognize each time that it happens. But we feel it. Every day. And every day we have to live through it.
So maybe I don't know exactly how to write about this. Maybe none of what I've just said makes much sense. But I will keep writing and keep fighting and keep ranting and keep exposing the violence women, myself included, face every day. Women's silence and acquiescence has been our prison, the violent and hidden cage placed on us throughout history. So even if I don't know how to write this, I won't be silent anymore.
I don't know how to write this.
I've been reading a lot of first person stories recently of women, powerful, warrior women, who have survived and thrived through horrible experiences of trauma and assault and brutal violence. So much violence. And I've read about how women live their entire lives perpetually facing explicit violence. Violence perpetrated by the hands, feet, mouths and bodies of other humans and violence in the form of the constant triggers the victims, the survivors, the warriors face every goddamn day of their lives.
Violence in the form of the invasion of women's bodies by States that perpetually refuse to recognize and acknowledge women's privacy, women's humanity, women's agency. I know so many people who have lived through so many of these things and more. I've devoted my life over and over again to fighting against this pervasive and explicit sexual violence.
Yet I've never personally felt that it was right to call myself a "victim," a "survivor," or a "warrior." I've never faced the type of violence that threatens and injures and maims my physical body.
So I don't know how to write about the type of violence that I've faced my entire life. I'm not sure how to claim my place in this worldwide narrative of women warriors when I don't have a quintessential "survivor" story. And I don't know how to write about any of this without in some way diminishing the many heart wrenching, brutally painful, and exquisitely beautiful narratives of these warriors. I refuse to do that, and if I hear even a single comment that I am, in fact, diminishing those narratives, or claiming a place in this narrative of violence against women that I cannot or should not claim, this post will come down. In a heartbeat. These survivors and warriors and victims have faced enough minimization and dismissal and excuses. I won't perpetuate that. So please, call me out if this whole thing is out of line.
So how do I explain facing a lifetime of violence that never once invaded my physical body?
I could try and write about how certain States subject me to the potential for violence if I ever chose to even consider an abortion or even go on certain forms of birth control. I could talk about how my rights to control my own body depend entirely upon my zip code and financial status. I could write about the constant, pervasive, and seemingly amorphous threat of sexual violence that every woman faces her entire life. Or I could talk about how, as a member of the female community, I am injured every time one of my warrior sisters is triggered in any way.
And all of these things are true to a certain extent.
I could talk about how much women's lives and narratives and art and abilities and talents are erased because they are placed in a little box. I could explain that those issues stereotypically labelled "women's issues" aren't special interests at all. They are human rights, not women's rights. And every time these rights are denied, an act of violence is committed against every woman. Against me, against you, against your mother, your sister, your professor, your friend, your lover.
I could ask how to move forward in a world where over fifty percent of the population are prized far more for their subjective levels of physical attractiveness than for what they have to offer to this world.
I could ask how a Christian can believe that all human beings are made in God's image and still view one class of people as somehow "better than," or in any way innately superior to another entire class of people. I could talk about how we're fed this language, these beliefs, that man is to be the "head" of women just as Christ is the head of the Church. Men are justified in requiring submission from the women in their lives by this religious cover, and that attitude spreads throughout so much of society. I could discuss how much I hate that so many amazing women throughout history and presently have had their stories, talents, and entire lives stolen from them under this same religious cover. I think about the amazingly talented and gifted women that I know who have devoted their entire lives to standing behind the men in their lives, feeling that it is their duty as women to be perpetually hidden, only existing to pray for and serve their husbands. How do we not see this as the injustice and the travesty that it is? I could dig into and explain why we should view this erasure of women as the genocide that it is.
I could talk about the violence I feel every time I'm harassed on the street or even on the internet. I could explain how I feel stripped bare and objectified and victimized every time a stranger rakes his eyes across my body and leers and tells me he wants me.
But how do I explain the intimate violence felt every time a professor, classmate, or even friend or family member fails to even grasp the existence (never mind the extent) of the oppression that I (and every other woman) face every day of my life? How do I talk about the feeling of having part of myself cut from me every time I hear myself or other women talked about as less than complete humans, but instead referred to as receptacles, incubators, or sexual objects? How do I talk about the violence I feel every time my agency is denied? I'm not even sure how to adequately explain the concept of agency...
I've lived with this feeling, with this knowledge, that, because I am woman, I am "less than" my entire life. I've talked about that before, but the violence that I feel, the pain that cuts me open on a daily basis is so much deeper than just the abstract concept of women as somehow lesser because of their sex. How do you explain wounds and scars and pain that no one ever sees? Because we've been taught that this is simply life. That we have to live with this violence, because "boys will be boys." Or, worse, we're told that it's our fault.
I've spend so much of my life basing my own value and worth on the external: on my body, and, more than that, on the ability of my body to be sexualized, objectified, and desired by the men around me. As much as I've learned about and studied and, yes, experienced sexual harassment on the street, there is always this dualistic reaction that I have and that I hear about from other women. When I am harassed, yes, I feel disgusted and ashamed and embarrassed and naked and so many other emotions. But I also have always felt a certain amount of vindication. Because I wasn't just harassed: I was also seen as worthy. More explicitly, my ability as a woman to sexually arouse men has been vindicated.
It has taken every one of my nearly 23 years on this earth to in any way convince myself that my worth is not based upon my ability to attract and arouse men. As much as I may have verbally claimed that truth all of my life, I still struggle against it to this very day. This is the violence that I face most often: the inward voice placed there by this world telling me that I am only worthy insofar as a man deems me sexually appealing. In the past, this belief ripped me open and exposed me and terrorized me in ways that I can't even admit out loud, never mind on this public blog. I feel shame and disgust and filth because of what this violence reduced me to. In so many ways, this world convinced me that I was the one inflicting this violence, because I was perpetuating and enabling it. And I will likely always feel compelled to seek that same type of violent vindication of my value and worth.
These wounds run so deep, but they are so very hidden and are only beginning to be exposed. So, again, I ask, how am I supposed to heal from a life of violence that can hardly be explained, never mind seen or heard? How am I supposed to do something so seemingly simple as sit in a class when the professor nonchalantly claims that women are no longer discriminated against because...Diane Feinstein, Nancy Pelosi, and Hillary Clinton...
I don't even know how to sit here and listen to this, never mind try and explain to him the violent oppression that women still face every single day. It's not always in the form of a fist or a gun. It can be triggered by something so seemingly simple as a text message or a song or look. And we have to live with and through this violence and oppression every goddamn minute of every goddamn day.
I could (and have and do) rant against the "patriarchy" or the ignorance or the blatant inaccuracies in this professor's claim. Or I could spend hours trying to calmly explain every tangible way that statements such as these obscure real economic and political disparities. But how do I explain to someone who has never felt it the violence that women face every day? Especially when the violence has become so fucking "normal" that half the time it's hard to even recognize each time that it happens. But we feel it. Every day. And every day we have to live through it.
So maybe I don't know exactly how to write about this. Maybe none of what I've just said makes much sense. But I will keep writing and keep fighting and keep ranting and keep exposing the violence women, myself included, face every day. Women's silence and acquiescence has been our prison, the violent and hidden cage placed on us throughout history. So even if I don't know how to write this, I won't be silent anymore.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
She Said, He's Dead
When Sandy Hook happened this past December, it broke the nation's heart, it kick started a movement to actually get something of significance done on gun safety for the first time in over a decade, and it also brought out all of the fervent gun rights advocates, those with legitimate rights and concerns as well as the crazies who are just convinced that a gun will solve every problem and/or Obama is imminently planning on personally busting down their doors to take their arsenals.
I'm not even going to try and touch on the latter group of crazies, because, as was so eloquently pointed out on MSNBC the other day, it's just inane circular logic wherein these people feel the need to amass huge amounts of guns to stop Obama or the liberals or whoever from taking their guns and they think those people will take away their guns because they have these huge arsenals to protect themselves from the liberal takeover and so they buy lots of guns to stop said takeover...and on and on the crazy merri-go-round spins.
But I've been wanting to write a blog post to/about that other group of crazies, the ones who think a gun will solve every problem, for a long time now. See, a few months back, I idiotically got into this Twitter argument with a bunch of trolls who were convinced that if every woman just owned and constantly carried a gun, rapes and sexual assaults would somehow cease to exist. In their mind, every situation of attempted and completed rape, assault, or abuse is cut and dry, the woman can totally see it coming, and will have the time and wherewithal to get to her gun and take out her attacker.
And, sure, in some situations, that could probably work. The stereotypical story of the creepy trench coat dude jumping out of the bushes in front of the woman could maybe be halted by a well-armed and well-trained woman. But even in that situation (which is actually fairly rare as most sexual assaults are perpetrated by acquaintances), if the woman successfully takes out the guy, the cops would show up, and what would they find? A woman with a concealed-carry weapon, evidence that she's just fired it, the bullet having killed her attacker. Depending on how early in the attack she fired, the woman may not even have the slightest scratch on her. So instead of the oh-so-common 'he said, she said' situation, all the cops will see is 'she said, he's dead.' And while, in some cases, the cops might believe the woman or she might be able to successfully be acquitted because the jury believes she acted in self-defense, in all likelihood, there would be far too many cases where the woman would end up in jail. It's hard enough for women to convince a cop, a judge, or a jury that she was attacked when the guy is alive and well and there is at least some evidence that an assault occurred. But when all that you have is a woman, alive and well, and a dead body, chances are that the woman would end up in jail more often than not.
And that's just the fairly unrealistic, cut-and-dry, relatively uncommon stranger rape situation. What about the far too frequent situations where the woman knows her attacker? Whether it's a current or former paramour, a father, a grandfather, a pimp, or a 'john.'
And I personally know someone who has been in every one of the situations that I've just listed.
And I can promise you, a gun would not have helped. In fact, it would've made it far, far worse.
One of my family members was in a domestic violence relationship for years. And the statistics are clear: you put a firearm in the middle of a domestic violence situation and the mortality rate of the woman (not the man) skyrockets. But even putting that aside, say my family member had just had enough one day, obtained a gun somehow, and put an end to the whole thing. In this situation, up until the very end, there was no documentation to back up the violent nature of the relationship. No hospital records, no police reports. The only thing that is on this guy's record even today, multiple years after my family member got out of the situation, is a record of verbal and emotional abuse. So, no, a gun would not have helped. Sure, if my family member had been able to obtain and use a gun on this guy, the situation would have ended. But, more than likely she would have just ended up in jail.
Another family member was abused for years by her adopted father. After years of bouncing back and forth between bad foster homes and an even worse home with her birth mom, she had finally found safety and security in a adopted family. Or so she thought. Her adopted father started abusing her when she was just 11 years old. And she knew where his gun was. But all she felt was shame and disgust and worthlessness. Not towards him. Towards herself. So if she had ever gotten and used that gun, it wouldn't have been on him. It would have been on herself. And I'm not just guessing here. Those are her words, not mine.
Another friend was raped by her ex-boyfriend. She cared for him. But then he got drunk. And he got violent. What girl takes a gun to a party with an ex (who was still her friend at this point)? How on earth could a gun have helped? Very few people can use a gun on someone that they know and care about, no matter the self-defense justifications.
And then there's my friend who went on a trip with her grandfather to visit an aunt on the west coast. He was her grandfather. And he assaulted her. Again, very few, if any people would be able to pull a gun on their own grandfather, especially if, up to that point, they had a decent relationship. Never mind the logistics of this friend actually feeling the need to have a gun with her while on a family vacation! So, again, I ask, how could a gun have helped?
And what about the friend who was forced into the sex trade and had a gun shoved in her mouth by one of her 'johns'? Would her having her own gun have helped her? No. It wouldn't. She would've just killed herself. Again, her words, not mine.
I'm not saying all of these things to try and argue that no woman can or should own or carry a gun. Or even that no woman should use a gun against an attacker should the situation arise in such a way that it's even possible. Women have every right to own a gun to feel safer and even to use it to defend themselves.
But the truth of the matter is that, in most situations, you mix a gun in with an attempted or completed sexual assault and either the girl will end up dead, whether by her own hands or her abuser's, or the guy will end up dead and she'll end up in jail.
So, no, guns don't answer the problem of sexual assault.
And there's a broader problem at issue here: the notion that women should have to carry weapons to stop sexual assaults once again puts the onus completely on women to stop the assault. I'm just so sick and tired of people thinking that if women just carried a gun, screamed, whistled, peed on themselves during an assault (yes, that's a real suggestion often given), didn't wear skimpy clothing, didn't walk alone at night, didn't drink, didn't have sex (like, ever), didn't go anywhere alone with male friends, didn't go to parties, didn't do this, didn't do that...didn't...exist.
Rape culture is everywhere. And it's sickening to me, but beyond that, it forces us to continually fight and argue our way through and out of these idiotic 'rules' that are thrown at us before we can ever get to the actual issue, the actual problem, the true cause of sexual assaults.
Do you want to know how to stop rapes? It's actually pretty simple: get rapists to STOP RAPING PEOPLE!!!
Ok, so getting that to actually happen isn't simple. I know that. But my point remains: we have got to stop putting all of the onus on women to magically get men to stop raping them and instead place the blame, the shame, and the rules on the rapists!
Rapes don't happen because women walk home alone, drink too much, have sexual histories, don't carry or use guns, don't pee themselves during an assault, or any of the other idiotic things that are shouted at us on a nearly daily basis to get rapes to stop happening.
Rapes happen because rapists rape. And rapes happen because this culture says it's ok.
No, people don't come right out and say it, but every time one of those idiotic rules is repeated, whether it's by teachers, parents, friends, the media, police officers or anyone else at all, it tells rapists and potential rapists that it's not their fault. If they see a woman doing any of those things that she's not "supposed" to do, it's ok. Go ahead. It's not your fault. You can rape her. We won't shame or blame you. We'll shame and blame her.
Yeah, I know, culture still puts blame on rapists. But that's usually only once they're actually accused and convicted. And only a relatively small portion of accused rapists are actually convicted. And only a tiny fraction of rapists are even accused.
And part of that is because the judicial system in this country is rigorous, has numerous road blocks and hurdles, and I get that. Hell, I'm insanely grateful for it, even though I know it'll make my life hell as a sex crimes prosecutor.
But that's not why so few rapists are ever brought to justice. It's because we, as a culture, place the onus on women to stop rapes from happening and puts the majority of the shame and blame on survivors once the rape has happened.
And that brings me back to why the notion of all women carrying guns to stop rapes is so freaking idiotic: if the culture already places so much shame and blame and rules on women, why would that same culture ever believe that a woman who's in a car, a hotel room, a house, or even in a dark alley next to a scary bush when she says that she had to kill the guy because he was going to rape her.
She said.
He's dead.
I'm not even going to try and touch on the latter group of crazies, because, as was so eloquently pointed out on MSNBC the other day, it's just inane circular logic wherein these people feel the need to amass huge amounts of guns to stop Obama or the liberals or whoever from taking their guns and they think those people will take away their guns because they have these huge arsenals to protect themselves from the liberal takeover and so they buy lots of guns to stop said takeover...and on and on the crazy merri-go-round spins.
But I've been wanting to write a blog post to/about that other group of crazies, the ones who think a gun will solve every problem, for a long time now. See, a few months back, I idiotically got into this Twitter argument with a bunch of trolls who were convinced that if every woman just owned and constantly carried a gun, rapes and sexual assaults would somehow cease to exist. In their mind, every situation of attempted and completed rape, assault, or abuse is cut and dry, the woman can totally see it coming, and will have the time and wherewithal to get to her gun and take out her attacker.
And, sure, in some situations, that could probably work. The stereotypical story of the creepy trench coat dude jumping out of the bushes in front of the woman could maybe be halted by a well-armed and well-trained woman. But even in that situation (which is actually fairly rare as most sexual assaults are perpetrated by acquaintances), if the woman successfully takes out the guy, the cops would show up, and what would they find? A woman with a concealed-carry weapon, evidence that she's just fired it, the bullet having killed her attacker. Depending on how early in the attack she fired, the woman may not even have the slightest scratch on her. So instead of the oh-so-common 'he said, she said' situation, all the cops will see is 'she said, he's dead.' And while, in some cases, the cops might believe the woman or she might be able to successfully be acquitted because the jury believes she acted in self-defense, in all likelihood, there would be far too many cases where the woman would end up in jail. It's hard enough for women to convince a cop, a judge, or a jury that she was attacked when the guy is alive and well and there is at least some evidence that an assault occurred. But when all that you have is a woman, alive and well, and a dead body, chances are that the woman would end up in jail more often than not.
And that's just the fairly unrealistic, cut-and-dry, relatively uncommon stranger rape situation. What about the far too frequent situations where the woman knows her attacker? Whether it's a current or former paramour, a father, a grandfather, a pimp, or a 'john.'
And I personally know someone who has been in every one of the situations that I've just listed.
And I can promise you, a gun would not have helped. In fact, it would've made it far, far worse.
One of my family members was in a domestic violence relationship for years. And the statistics are clear: you put a firearm in the middle of a domestic violence situation and the mortality rate of the woman (not the man) skyrockets. But even putting that aside, say my family member had just had enough one day, obtained a gun somehow, and put an end to the whole thing. In this situation, up until the very end, there was no documentation to back up the violent nature of the relationship. No hospital records, no police reports. The only thing that is on this guy's record even today, multiple years after my family member got out of the situation, is a record of verbal and emotional abuse. So, no, a gun would not have helped. Sure, if my family member had been able to obtain and use a gun on this guy, the situation would have ended. But, more than likely she would have just ended up in jail.
Another family member was abused for years by her adopted father. After years of bouncing back and forth between bad foster homes and an even worse home with her birth mom, she had finally found safety and security in a adopted family. Or so she thought. Her adopted father started abusing her when she was just 11 years old. And she knew where his gun was. But all she felt was shame and disgust and worthlessness. Not towards him. Towards herself. So if she had ever gotten and used that gun, it wouldn't have been on him. It would have been on herself. And I'm not just guessing here. Those are her words, not mine.
Another friend was raped by her ex-boyfriend. She cared for him. But then he got drunk. And he got violent. What girl takes a gun to a party with an ex (who was still her friend at this point)? How on earth could a gun have helped? Very few people can use a gun on someone that they know and care about, no matter the self-defense justifications.
And then there's my friend who went on a trip with her grandfather to visit an aunt on the west coast. He was her grandfather. And he assaulted her. Again, very few, if any people would be able to pull a gun on their own grandfather, especially if, up to that point, they had a decent relationship. Never mind the logistics of this friend actually feeling the need to have a gun with her while on a family vacation! So, again, I ask, how could a gun have helped?
And what about the friend who was forced into the sex trade and had a gun shoved in her mouth by one of her 'johns'? Would her having her own gun have helped her? No. It wouldn't. She would've just killed herself. Again, her words, not mine.
I'm not saying all of these things to try and argue that no woman can or should own or carry a gun. Or even that no woman should use a gun against an attacker should the situation arise in such a way that it's even possible. Women have every right to own a gun to feel safer and even to use it to defend themselves.
But the truth of the matter is that, in most situations, you mix a gun in with an attempted or completed sexual assault and either the girl will end up dead, whether by her own hands or her abuser's, or the guy will end up dead and she'll end up in jail.
So, no, guns don't answer the problem of sexual assault.
And there's a broader problem at issue here: the notion that women should have to carry weapons to stop sexual assaults once again puts the onus completely on women to stop the assault. I'm just so sick and tired of people thinking that if women just carried a gun, screamed, whistled, peed on themselves during an assault (yes, that's a real suggestion often given), didn't wear skimpy clothing, didn't walk alone at night, didn't drink, didn't have sex (like, ever), didn't go anywhere alone with male friends, didn't go to parties, didn't do this, didn't do that...didn't...exist.
Rape culture is everywhere. And it's sickening to me, but beyond that, it forces us to continually fight and argue our way through and out of these idiotic 'rules' that are thrown at us before we can ever get to the actual issue, the actual problem, the true cause of sexual assaults.
Do you want to know how to stop rapes? It's actually pretty simple: get rapists to STOP RAPING PEOPLE!!!
Ok, so getting that to actually happen isn't simple. I know that. But my point remains: we have got to stop putting all of the onus on women to magically get men to stop raping them and instead place the blame, the shame, and the rules on the rapists!
Rapes don't happen because women walk home alone, drink too much, have sexual histories, don't carry or use guns, don't pee themselves during an assault, or any of the other idiotic things that are shouted at us on a nearly daily basis to get rapes to stop happening.
Rapes happen because rapists rape. And rapes happen because this culture says it's ok.
No, people don't come right out and say it, but every time one of those idiotic rules is repeated, whether it's by teachers, parents, friends, the media, police officers or anyone else at all, it tells rapists and potential rapists that it's not their fault. If they see a woman doing any of those things that she's not "supposed" to do, it's ok. Go ahead. It's not your fault. You can rape her. We won't shame or blame you. We'll shame and blame her.
Yeah, I know, culture still puts blame on rapists. But that's usually only once they're actually accused and convicted. And only a relatively small portion of accused rapists are actually convicted. And only a tiny fraction of rapists are even accused.
And part of that is because the judicial system in this country is rigorous, has numerous road blocks and hurdles, and I get that. Hell, I'm insanely grateful for it, even though I know it'll make my life hell as a sex crimes prosecutor.
But that's not why so few rapists are ever brought to justice. It's because we, as a culture, place the onus on women to stop rapes from happening and puts the majority of the shame and blame on survivors once the rape has happened.
And that brings me back to why the notion of all women carrying guns to stop rapes is so freaking idiotic: if the culture already places so much shame and blame and rules on women, why would that same culture ever believe that a woman who's in a car, a hotel room, a house, or even in a dark alley next to a scary bush when she says that she had to kill the guy because he was going to rape her.
She said.
He's dead.
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