How much is "All In"?

I'm always surprised when I find out that people don't know about my past medical issues.  I know I shouldn't be.  It was almost nine years ago.  But it's become such a major part of who I am that I just assume that people know.  So operating on the assumption that there are some people out there who may stumble across this blog who do not know, I guess I should give some background:

On August 1st, 2002, I began having extreme pain in my feet and up through my calves.  Over the next few weeks and months, this pain progressed and spread throughout my entire body to the point that no one could physically touch  me without me screaming in pain, I was sensitive to light and sound, and I couldn't even lie still through an hour-long MRI without shaking uncontrollably because I didn't have the morphine in me to control the pain.  After countless pokes and prods (including a spinal tap and the ensuing and oh-so-dreadful spinal headaches), too many tears, more morphine and other narcotics, nerve relaxants, and even anti-depressants than any eleven year old should ever have, we finally found a doctor who knew what the hell he was talking about.  Turns out, my brain is literally too big for my skull. The back, lower portion of my brain (the cerebellum) is sticking down through the opening at the base of the skull where the spinal chord connects.  This lovely little malformation is known as Chiari, and I was born this way (cue Gaga anthem).  Well, long story short, I had a portion of my top vertebra and a piece of my skull removed, and no more pressure, ergo no more pain.

Oh, and there's one other thing.  Due to the Chiara, I have a couple (two or three, don't really remember) tiny little bubbles of spinal fluid in my spine known as syrinxes.  These are what were putting pressure on my lower spinal chord and thus causing the extreme pain.  Well, they're still there.  Smaller than original (they steadily shrunk over time), but, last we checked (which was several years ago), they're still there.

I haven't really had any symptoms of Chiari since I had the decompression surgery in November 2002.  That is, until last semester.  There was one day that I was sitting in class and my feet and legs started feeling strange and painful, and dreadfully familiar.  I had a momentary freakout where I re-educated myself about Chiari and the risks of my symptoms re-emerging.  But it went away after a few hours so I didn't really think anything of it.

Well it's back.  And much worse than last semester.  This morning, as I was attempting to concentrate on studying for my midterm, I was making plans in the back of my head for what would happen if I tried to stand up and my legs gave out on me.  See that's the lovely think about the syrinxes: they can cause paralysis.  With little to no warning.  And there's no guarantee, even from the second best neurosurgeon in the world for dealing with this condition, that the surgery would stop the paralysis.  Really the only remedy would be spinal surgery, which is pretty much never recommended, as the surgery itself has side effects of...you guessed it: paralysis.

Needless to say, I've been freaking out all day.  It hurts to walk; it was painful to grip my pen to take my midterm; my knees keep almost giving out; and I have no clue what to do.

This morning, I felt God say to me that He wants me to give over my fear of paralysis to Him.  That's fine in theory, when paralysis isn't just around the corner.  But if going "All In" (as my church's most recent sermon series challenges) really requires me to be ok with never walking again, with never having control over my own bodily functions, with never having sex, I just don't know...  Or even to have to go through that hell again.  The pain.  The never ending battery of tests.  The uncertainty.  The drugs.  I just don't know.

And I'm scared as hell.  I was ok with giving up my family, my life plans, my friends, my interests...all of that I've surrendered.  But I'm so afraid.  I always have been, though I rarely let myself acknowledge it.  That was one of the scariest times of my life, and I just don't think I have the strength to go there again.  Hell, I don't even know if I have the strength to walk home tonight.

How much is required?

He answers: "Everything, because I gave even more."