Longing for More than Glimpses

I hate that the only way my family knows how to spend time together is by using gimmicks to keep us occupied. The very prospect of just sitting there and talking to each other is utterly unfathomable to them. We have to be playing a game or watching a movie or eating food (and then the moment the food is gone we all disperse). Mostly, we focus on playing games, but if there aren't enough people or we can't all agree on which card or board game to play or one of us simply doesnt want to play, we can't hang out. And because most of us are more or less competitive people, these card games inevitably lead to bickering, whining or arguments. In other words, not really the ideal way to hang out and talk. That's the reason why every once and a while I get utterly sick of playing games and refuse to participate. I always say that I utterly adore hanging out with my family. But what I really mean is that I like the idea of it. I long to hang out with my family beyond the confines of these gimmicks. I want to get to know them. I want them to get to know me. I've changed so much since before I left for college, which was the last time all of us were under the same roof, and I know that my brothers and parents have changed too. I long for more than the glimpses into these changes that these gimmicks offer. I wish we could just sit in the family room, no tv, no games, no obnoxiously planned-out conversations or confrontational discussions. Just talking. Like I spent the past three and a half years doing with my friends. Back in D.C. I can count on one hand the number of times my friends and I played games. And there were never any planned out discussions (outside the confines of bible studies and the like). Yes, there was food, but there was no rush to get up, no hurry to put the dishes away, wipe the table and then rush off in our separate directions. Instead, we simply enjoyed one another's company, asking questions, telling stories and jokes, and getting to genuinely know each other. Why is that very concept so foreign to my family? I cannot fathom why anyone would scoff at the idea of just sitting around and talking to the very people in your life to whom you claim to be closest. I just long for more than glimpses. I don't want any more gimmicks. I'm sick of them. It seems so simple: the desire to just hang out with one's family. But the truth is, the absence of any such desire or longing in my family has made me feel more depressed and long to self-injure more than anything else in this past year. So give me more than glimpses.