I've been on the road for two weeks now. It honestly doesn't feel like it's been that long. But it has. I have now driven 3,482 miles, traveled through seven States and one Province, gone camping with three rambunctious children in the Colorado Rockies, been 17 stories beneath the Canadian Rockies, seen some giant U.S. Presidential heads carved into the side of a mountain, and, most recently, hit a deer. And throughout all of this, and during all the little and big moments in between, my mind has been constantly churning a few different questions over and over again.
The one question that has been most prominent is simple, and it surprises me that I've never really taken the time to figure it out before: What does it mean to be a family? The second questions is related and actually used to drive me crazy: What does it mean to be a Loewen? I realized I can't truly answer the first question without first answering the second. Because family means different things for different people.
I have this memory of my parents often saying to me "represent the Loewen family well," or something along those lines whenever I was going to be in certain places or around certain people. That always bothered me, but I think I'm coming to realize that my parents never meant it the way that I took it. I don't think they said it as a way of telling me that I could only look and act a certain way or I'd somehow disappoint or disgrace them. That wasn't it at all. I think it was about that name, our family, holding weight, having meaning. I wasn't old enough by a long shot to understand any of that.
I was up in Calgary, Alberta and one night my cousin, Elizabeth, and I were talking about how, in western Canada, the name Loewen is widely recognized as being a Mennonite name. This then launched a discussion about denominational differences and origins, etc. But then Elizabeth said something that really stuck with me: "we're really just Mennonites in name and food only." I laughed, but what she said stuck with me. And, again, made me think about our name and about our heritage.
I used to feel this need, when talking about my family, to somehow separate myself from my Mennonite heritage. But spending time with so many different members of my family who have come to be diverse people with wide-ranging views on any number of different topics, I've come to realize that, in some ways, that heritage does define us, through all of our differences. And it is beautiful.
From a DNA-level love for basic, German-style meat and potatoes meals to a deeply ingrained appreciation for genuine hospitality to a complete inability to back down from a challenge (whether spoken or not). Loewens are never total rule followers (you can pretty much always find us pushing the line, if nothing else). We are sarcastic as hell and mercilessly pick on and torture the people we care about (I used to say sarcasm was my love language; now I just think it's part of my DNA). Loewens are curious and love to explore and figure out the answers to problems (or even feel the need to confirm, for certain, that the problem cannot be solved).
This is who I am. It's who my family is. And I wouldn't change or trade it for the world.
I've spent years complaining about, criticizing, and even publicly accosting my own family. I'm not saying there has been no value to any of that. There were conversations that needed to be had, things that needed to be said, etc. But the medium I chose was likely not always the wisest.
Loewens aren't always very good at confrontation. That's in my DNA, too.
People on TV often perpetuate this idea that friends are better than family because they'll accept every part of you, without question or compromise. And, sure, it's true that friends usually don't put up nearly as much of a fuss about a whole bunch of different things as your family might. But that's because you choose your friends based on any number of different sets of values, interests, needs, and desires. They also change over time. But I take issue with this idea that friends are "better" than family because of this ease of acceptance. Yeah, family is a lot harder. They challenge you and stand up to you and disagree with you and argue and fight and cry and hurt a whole hell of a lot more than friends do. But they are also permanent. And if you're one of those lucky few, like me, to have a family that is truly permanent, in all senses of the word, there is nothing better. Certainly not friends.
My family (and now I'm mainly speaking about my immediate family, namely my parents and brothers) and I disagree about some really important things. We fight and we get angry and hurt and upset and we talk and we cry and we hug and laugh and love and, at the end of the day, we figure it out. It might be slow and difficult. It doesn't always come easy. But nothing can ever or will ever be a big enough fight, a big enough disagreement on a big enough issue to make me turn away from them. Not because the issues aren't big enough or the disagreements aren't vast enough. But because I know them. And I know us. And I know we'll figure it out. I don't yet know exactly what that'll look like. But, you know what? It doesn't even matter. Because I know their hearts. And I know how they'll try. And I know they'll change. And so will I. Because that's what family does. They do what is necessary to love each other, to respect each other, to figure out the boundaries. At least that's what my family does.
That's another thing about us Loewens: we stick around. We fight for this family. We have each other's backs and we never give up on each other. We're always there for each other. And we always truly, genuinely, care about what's going on in each other's lives. It doesn't matter if what's going on may involve things with which we personally disagree. We're family. We want to know why each other are hurting or happy or sad. And we'll be there for each other, as best we can.
My family isn't perfect. No family is. There are definitely things about my family, beliefs that they hold, that, if I could, I'd change in a heartbeat. But those differing beliefs don't change the fact that my family has always, 100%, loved me and been completely there for me through every single thing that has ever happened in my life. Even when I was being unquestionably and undeservedly horrible to them. Even when I do things of which they fundamentally disapprove. None of it matters. None of it changes their love for me, their dependability, their amazing fortitude and grace.
I'm definitely still working on that last one. I think I got a shorter measure of Loewen grace in my DNA for some reason.
I get it now. What my parents meant when they invoked the Loewen name. I'm proud to call myself a Loewen, to be a part of this incredible family, both big and small. I just hope I can one day live up to it.
I can also genuinely say, for the first time in a while now, that I want to and am ready to go home.
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