My life just can't seem to slow down right now. I have class and work and small group and DCRCC and homework and church and (hopefully) friends and...the list goes on. It's six weeks into the semester and I'm already procrastinating on my homework and papers till the very last minute. I can't seem to force myself to focus, and I'm not sure why.
On an entirely unrelated note: we talked in small group today about God's radical call on our lives, the power that that gives us, and our duty to live that out. For the past several months, God has been pounding 2 Timothy 1:9 into my head: "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I know that God is telling me to stop being fearful/timid/intimidated about/by what others might think of me, and instead to truly live a radical, changed life for Him. But stepping out like that brings so many questions. I don't want to be one of those people. You know who I'm talking about. One of those people who constantly talks about "God," and "faith," and a "relationship with Jesus" and so many other things with such courage and yet such utter irrelevance that even I, a devout Christian, shrink away from. So for fear of seeming like a crazy, irrelevant Bible thumper, I hide my faith from my friends outside of Chi Alpha and only really mention it in contrast with those "crazy" Christians in an effort to try and prove that we're not all like "them."
But I'm afraid that, in my efforts to stay "relevant," I have simply become silent. I am a huge proponent of evangelism through example, of living the type of life that inevitably calls for inquiries and naturally leads to genuine conversations about faith. But I often doubt that I'm living that kind of life. My life, to the outside observer, seems fairly average. I don't talk about my convictions which may make me seem "different" for fear of seeming "strange." And now that this has gone on for so long, I'm afraid that, if I did start talking about my faith regularly, my testimony would be weakened by the months of non-sharing.
I'm sarcastic and I swear and I'm not always nice and I get tired and cranky and sullen and depressed and I slip on my convictions and I have secrets and I don't have it all together. And I'm human. And somewhere in the back of my mind I still have this notion that, in order to have an effective testimony, I have to be one of two things: a) perfect from the moment I was born or b) have a horribly wretched background, an amazing conversion tale, and am now perfect. Needless to say, I am neither.
I don't know what it looks like to live a transparently imperfect life as a testimony to others. I don't know how to be vulnerable and to freely admit that I'm not perfect but I'm trying to live a life that's different from the rest of this world.
I don't fit the mold of what it looks like to be a devout Christian in today's world. For starters, I'm a crazy liberal feminist. For the most part, I can't stand the Republican Party, and I believe that they, in their claims to God and faith, give Christianity a horrible name. I struggle with and often find ways to rationalize away or outright dismiss the traditional gender roles which the Bible seems to purport. I'm obsessed with and addicted to tattoos and I don't always watch my tongue as closely as maybe I should.
At the same time, I have an incredible calling on my life to fight for the least in this world, to bring justice to broken situations, and to see God's image in every human being. I am not shy about my love for people, especially broken and hurting people. I don't just see the least in those whom it is easy to love: the babies half way around the world dying of AIDS, the rape victims, the sick and needy who have done nothing to deserve their hardship. No, I also see the least in the outcast and the downtrodden, in the homosexuals, in the imprisoned, in the homeless, in the gang members, in the welfare dependent, in the mentally ill, in the convicted robbers and murderers, in the pedophiles, in those that society forgot about years ago. These people too, are the least in this world. They, too, deserve justice and equality. They, too, are recipients of God's love. I feel God's heart inside of me for these and so many others.
I know that this is the type of radical life that Christ called me to, but does simply following this calling on my life to help the least in the world make me a good evangelist? Or do I need to do more than that? Street corner evangelism never has been, and I'm positive never will be my thing. But what does it look like to boldly live out and talk about my faith? Do I need to be worried about compromising my testimony or turning people away or perpetuating the pain of an already so hurtful church? Why am I still struggling with so much fear and so much timidity? I try to continually claim God's power, I know that I have His love, and I don't think that my soundness of mind is in question. So why do I still have this spirit of fear that Paul warns Timothy about? When will this verse get through my thick head, into my heart, and back out through my life? Maybe once I figure out how it'd look cool tattooed on me...
No comments:
Post a Comment