"I'll never know till I try"

That was what the first man I ever kissed said to me after I had to tell him multiple times to stop as he tried to escalate our first kiss very quickly into areas that I was in no way ready for or comfortable with. I immediately wanted to retort: "No, actually, you'll never know until you ask!"

Achieving consent is not trying something and seeing if your partner protests.  It's asking.  It's communicating your desires and requesting permission to proceed.  And I have no problem sounding like a SlutWalk poster when I proclaim: "My dress is not a yes!" and "Consent is sexy!"

But here's the thing: as much as I may proudly proclaim these concepts at a rally or in my classes or on my blog, when it comes down to actually living it out, I failed.

As I listened to the multiple feminist badasses at the sexual assault meeting at AU tonight, I really have to wonder if the only reason why I'm not another statistic, another victim, another survivor, is simply because my college social life has never leaned towards the partying side of life.

I've been passionate about these issues of sexual and dating violence for over six years, and an activist for at least two years now.  I've even been "trained" to stop guys from going to far since junior high.  Yet at my first opportunity to assert my beliefs, my confidence, and my sense of personal control and safety, I chose to timidly say no a few times until finally just backing away and saying that it wasn't ok.  I never communicated though.  I never explained (at least not at the time).

This has got to change.  I can't go in to another situation like that without clearly explaining who I am, what I believe, and where my boundaries lie.

Let's be honest...about sex.

I've grown up in the Christian church my entire life.  Ergo, my entire life, I've heard the same message regarding sex: it's really great for when you're married, but until then, just don't do it.  However, not once in my life has anyone had a frank and honest discussion of how to achieve the latter.   No one recognizes the fact that God made us to be sexual beings and, as such, you will have certain desires.  I've listened to many lectures about how to "say no" if some guy is trying to pressure you into something.  But no one has ever addressed how to deal with it when there is no guy.  When it's simply your own body wanting something that you're not supposed to have.  Oh, some people might throw out there: "just go read the Bible."  But that doesn't fix anything.  To be blunt, that doesn't stop you from being horny.  No one tells you what to do with that.  Oh, from what I understand, they address issues of porn and masturbation a bit more in depth with guys.  But I guess that they just think that girls, unless there's a guy pressuring them, will never feel a sexual desire...and can never be turned on visually...  Well that's just sad, in my opinion.

And people wonder why I'm so in favour of comprehensive sex education.  Because at least then they're honest about something.  They recognize the fact that it's not quite as simple as just sliding a "promise ring" on your finger or signing a "true love waits" contract.  They recognize that, no matter how hard you try, most people will not remain abstinent.  And so comprehensive sex education tells you how to deal with sex in a healthy and safe way.  It's not a perfect solution, but at least they start with honesty.  That's something.

I don't have a boyfriend.  I've never had sex, and I've never even kissed anyone.  But I still struggle with this on a daily basis.  And my response hasn't always been above reproach.  Far from, in fact.  And I know that I'm not the only one.  So why does no one talk about this?  Are we, as Christians and as a culture, really so naive to think that people don't struggle with this?  That our simplistic responses of "just say no" and "it's great in the context of marriage, but stay away till then" are really going to take away people's inherent sexual needs and desires?

Why do I feel such shame to even admit that I don't know how to deal with my own sexuality?  Around some friends, I'm ashamed to admit my utter lack of sexual experience, while around other friends I'm even more ashamed to admit my own sexual desires.

One of my greatest hopes is that one day the church can take a cue from comprehensive sex education.  Maybe one day they can start with honesty.  Stop bullshitting around and making it seem like it's as simple as "just say no!"  Stop making us feel like even admitting the fact that we are sexual beings is somehow sinful.  God made us this way.  We don't start being sexual beings when a wedding ring gets on our fingers or even when we start having a serious romantic relationship.  No, our sexuality emerges with puberty and continues to get stronger over the next few decades.  Ignoring it doesn't make it go away.

So, tell me, what are the solutions?  And don't give me easy one-liners and then walk away.  Because we both know that it's not nearly that simple.

Start. Being. Honest.