That was what the first man I ever kissed said to me after I had to tell him multiple times to stop as he tried to escalate our first kiss very quickly into areas that I was in no way ready for or comfortable with. I immediately wanted to retort: "No, actually, you'll never know until you ask!"
Achieving consent is not trying something and seeing if your partner protests. It's asking. It's communicating your desires and requesting permission to proceed. And I have no problem sounding like a SlutWalk poster when I proclaim: "My dress is not a yes!" and "Consent is sexy!"
But here's the thing: as much as I may proudly proclaim these concepts at a rally or in my classes or on my blog, when it comes down to actually living it out, I failed.
As I listened to the multiple feminist badasses at the sexual assault meeting at AU tonight, I really have to wonder if the only reason why I'm not another statistic, another victim, another survivor, is simply because my college social life has never leaned towards the partying side of life.
I've been passionate about these issues of sexual and dating violence for over six years, and an activist for at least two years now. I've even been "trained" to stop guys from going to far since junior high. Yet at my first opportunity to assert my beliefs, my confidence, and my sense of personal control and safety, I chose to timidly say no a few times until finally just backing away and saying that it wasn't ok. I never communicated though. I never explained (at least not at the time).
This has got to change. I can't go in to another situation like that without clearly explaining who I am, what I believe, and where my boundaries lie.
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